Being Real like fishsticks

Being a woman is tough. Being single is tough. Being a Christian is tough. They aren’t only tough but also terrifying. There are days that I am crippled by fear. When waking up, taking a shower and driving into work takes an active assertion of will. There are so many times when I want to give up, when the reward doesn’t seem worth the pain and struggle. There are days when I feel like an absolute failure in this life, at these times I think I recognize that I am not as I should be. This world is not as it should be. The lies of the enemy surround me, they paralyze me with fear. I’d like to think that I am brave enough, bold enough, and strong enough to look fear in it’s vacant face and walk forward resolute despite the trembling of my heart. A friend recently reminded me that I am not enough, and I was never meant to be enough. Often times I find myself wondering why I am afraid. How did I become such a coward. Life is scary, life is hard and tough. It is also astonishingly beautiful and joyful. I have spent years building a fortress around my heart driven by fear, guilt, shame, and self depreciation. In my depravity I was proud of my ability to shut the world out, to live in my fortress of gilded gold. A fortress gives the impression of majesty, wealth, security, and prominence. I realize now that I was not living in a fortress, I posse none of these things. I cower in the shadows of my own prison, frightened by my own heart. I am exhausted. I am tired self loathing, I am tired of hiding, I am tired of having fear as my constant companion, I am tired of believing half truths, I am tired of chasing illusions of happiness and satisfaction that turn out to be vapors. I am tired of letting my past define my future. I am tired of letting fear and my own will rule ( I mean ruin) my life.

Jesus came for the sick, for the wounded, and for the broken hearts. Jesus came for me. What freedom and what joy to be released from bondage. I have stepped from the shadows and can feel the sunlight gently kissing and warming my face. And I know that I have just a tiny glimpse, just one step out of the shadow. My lungs are filled with just one breathe of air. I have not yet tasted the fruit, have not yet stretched my legs and ran with the wind in my hair, I have not yet been cleansed-washed by the fountain of life. The fortress still stands strong, I have only removed the doorway. It’s difficult and congested, there are people looking in, pushing in and sometimes I am overwhelmed. I think there is no greater pain then being desolate. I fear pain, vulnerability, and loving someone who will break my heart. I don’t think those can compare, I can’t imagine they could trump the feeling of being completely alone surrounded by people. Growing up I was told that at some point it is more painful for a flower to stay closed up then it is to bloom. Perhaps that is where I am at, not only is it more painful for me to stay shut up then it is to bloom. But in keeping closed I am selfishly not sharing the beauty and gifts God has graciously given me.

An angel friend of mine revealed the truth to me in the only way that I can hear- clear and blunt. She called me a wreck, a mess. If you would have asked me two hours before the conversation I would have said, no I am fine. I have a few things to work on, but I am dealing with it and I am just fine. Never would I use wreck and mess to describe the state of my heart. Praise God for stubborn women who look past my attempt at superficiality. I am a mess. I have dynamite strapped to my back and timer that’s almost up, and she didn’t run. She didn’t flinch, and most of all she didn’t feel sorry for me. Truth is a double edged sword, it is incredibly freeing but also horribly painful. It requires action. It’s easy to enjoy your lavish meal with out starving children outside your door. It’s easy to justify expensive clothing when you don’t see a homeless person shivering with rags in the street. It’s easy to believe I’m fine when I don’t have to see myself as I am. When all the lies and excuses are stripped away and I see myself as I am. I mess of a woman saved by a might redeemer. Looking at how I am living my life I recognize that I profess these truths with my mouth but I don’t show faithfulness in my actions. If I truly believed that my identity was rooted in Christ I wouldn’t fear failing in this life. If I believed with all my heart that Jesus paid the penalty for my sin on the cross and that God forgives and looks upon me not on my own merit but on the righteousness of Jesus then I would not struggle with self condemnation. I would forgive myself knowing that Jesus was enough, that Jesus is greater then my sin and has wiped away my stains. My words profess faithfulness but how I see myself and how I have been living my life reflect a heart of faithlessness. Three words I need to wrestle with- Jesus is Enough.

Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I’m reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just wont let me forget

In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am


I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven

My mistakes are running through my mind
And I’ll relive my days, in the middle of the night
When I struggle with my pain, wrestle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry

In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am


When I don't fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ ‘cause