fear

I realized today what I fear most right now is myself. I fear that God will call me into leadership and that I will fail. I fear that I am not enough and at the same time I am too much. My hearts desire is to bless young people, to invest in them the way I longed to be invested in. I have no doubt that my life decisions would have been different with the council of a Godly woman. However, I know myself. I know my flaws, I know where I fall short, I know the depth of my depravity and I fear that it will cripple my ministry. I see their sweet and trusting faces. They look to me, they will look at the men I date, and they will witness the choices I make. This fills me with fear. I want so much to demonstrate what a single woman after God's heart does. How to date and be respected, how to make life decisions, and how to fight as a woman. I want to be so much more than I am. I pray that God uses me for His glory yet at the same time it terrifies me that he might actually use this broken mess. Some days I still feel lost- like I have no idea what I am doing or where I am going. I remind myself that God never calls the perfect or the worthy and if that are the qualifications He seeks (imperfection and unworthiness) well than I suppose I would be a perfect candidate. Praise God that in our weakness He is strong and that through His perfection we are made right.