I hear my voice among the scoffers

There is a song that our worship teams like to sing, I can't remember the name of it. But the part of the song that always catches me- and I probably don't have the lyrics quiet right- is that my sin held you there and I hear my voice cry out among the scoffers. Uff da!

Around this time I love to go back and re-read John, Matthew, Luke, and Mark. Reading the passages that speak of Jesus' death and how he suffered. How he was betrayed and completely abandoned. It weighs heavily on my heart and makes Easter so sweet and reminds me of the amazing Kind I have the joy to worship.

However, it also enrages me. I get fighting mad at Judas and I think "how could he betray Jesus, and for only 30 pieces of silver." And I get mad at Peter for denying Jesus, for sleeping when he was to be praying for his friend and teacher. I think man alive this is Christ and you turn your back on him! This morning I was struck with the thought that I am no better. How often do I betray Jesus for far less. How many times do I fall asleep when I should be keeping watch, praying for a friend in need. How many times have I denied knowing Jesus in word, thought, or deed. And I am not just talking in a year how many times, or in a month. But in a day. How many times in a day do I come up short. How many times do we all come up short? And if you are judging and thinking well I am really not that bad- news flash my friend you are not seeing yourself rightly. We all fail Jesus miserably.

Listen for just a moment and you will hear your voice calling out among the scoffers. Look at your life, you decisions, your actions and you will see that our sin held him there. Pierced his hands, his sides, and left him utterly alone. Realizing exactly how wretched we are only adds to the greatness of God that he would continue to love us. I hp[e that it would also fill us with grace. That as we see ourselves properly cursing Jesus' name that we would see the debt forgiven us and return that grace to others.

Sometimes living in the world today I forget how radical the story of Jesus is. I have heard the same nuances and phrases since I was a child that I fear that they lose their significance. Today we see a cross and think of Jesus and knew that he hung on it for our sins, it is normal to see people with crosses on their neck. Or a cross in church, but in Jesus day wearing a cross was just plain madness. It was a tool of torturous death. It would be like if colonial people begin to use tar and feathers as a symbol of the religion. It would be off the charts crazy. Or perhaps waterboarding today. If you ran into a group of people that used waterboarding as a demonstration of the climax of their religion wouldn't you think that they had one to many screws lose? Maybe mom and dad dropped them on their head a few times. I hope that in this Easter season we don't lose sight of how radical Christianity is, and we don't fail to embrace that call. That we would step out boldly and stand with Christ hearing the voices of the scoffers but never deterred by it.

death of hegemony is survival?

Like a dear friend of mine I am discontent with life. I long for more. Yet the more I long the less satisfying the here and now is and the more painful it becomes to carry out the daily routine. I am confused and unsure at a new cross road in life. All my life I have never thought twice about marriage. I never longed for a husband and family- it was merely on the list. A box that I could check with deference. Marriage was something that needy and vulnerable women sought after with ferocious passion. Strong women, independent women would never be so whole heartily devoted to such an undignified a title as a mother and wife. Marriage and family was a ball you juggled striving to focus on it while juggling everything else. I had no doubt that I possessed the potential to be and do anything that I should set my mind to. The world was all doors and all opportunities.

Then I encountered Christ. I began to recognize my selfishness and call it for what it was. I remember sitting, listening to Pastor Kyle talk about woman submitting to their husbands, respecting them and loving them enough to follow in trust. My skin bristled. Every aspect of my body fought for control. I signed up for Christ… this other submission crap was not in the contract. I was determined that I was not going to give away my independence or strength. I guess I never realized that I already had when I subjected myself to Christ. Or that it truly takes more strength and courage to love, trust, and follow a man. Jesus revealed the larger heart issues and struggles that I have had with men in the past. As I move forward in that healing allowing all my wounds to be exposed I find myself wanting the one thing I swore I never would.

I am left in a state of confusion. War really. The war between the old Megan and old ideals against the new Megan. There is a constant fight in my heart. The old Megan rising up claiming independence and scorning the new Megan for admitting a longing a need as it is a sign of weakness- not to mention that I am taking on the characteristics I once thought laughable. Old Megan wants to pursue a career and live in a self imprisonment of depressing solitude. The new Megan screams and shouts the truth and calls old Megan a scandalous liar and wickedly deceptive. Sometimes their voices blend together so harmoniously I can't tell which speaks truth. I struggle to lose the identity of who I was in who I am. I have so much I want to do and want to say only the voice I keep hearing is patience child. Trust in me. Know that I am wise and good. Which releases conflicted emotion. I want to snub Jesus. I want to say I am tired of waiting. I find myself convinced that He is withholding bountiful fruit from me, giving me the bruised fruit off the ground instead. (Read the Song of Solomon and tell me that any single Christian isn't thinking when do I get that) Even as I articulate these thoughts I know them to be lies. I know that I must rest in His peace and rework my identity so that it is completely centered on my King.

Then I worry. What if I never get married, what if I'm not desirable or lovable. What if I really am called to take this journey without a co-pilot in the cockpit- well then I certainly don't want to be caught waiting around for a non existent being. If I was honest with myself for a moment I would concede that I probably wouldn't recognize Mr.Right if he asked me to marry him. My likely excuse would be he is to perfect. Or because I am terrible at the dating game it won't even cross my mind that perhaps he is interested in more then friendship. Maybe he could just show up at my doorstep with a wedding band and a flashing neon sign that reads Han Solo ( I know this is a stretch since I lack the grace to be Leigha but it's my blog)

I am in a job I hate with a degree that without additional education is basically useless. I struggle thinking I want more, I want different. However, I know the true desire of my heart is to have a family and husband. I want to be a stay at home mom. Financially this won’t be possible if I keep going to school burning funds just to fill a void in my heart that no amount of education can fill. When I get right down to the bottom of it I suppose that my job isn't half bad. It's my attitude that really stinks. If I wake up expecting to have a bad day and dislike my work well then any situation I encounter is going to be tainted with pessimism before it even begins. Yes, I need an attitude adjustment. Jesus called me to work in a place with broken people that I love. It is selfish to walk away because I simply don't find it convenient. It's terribly disobedient to boot.

How selfish I have been. Longing with all my heart for something that Jesus is saying not yet to. Instead of focusing on what he has for me today and where he has placed me. I keep looking to the future looking for what he may or may not have for me. My contentment and peace must come from the Lord. He promises good to those who claim him. I have to remind myself that the promise is joyful. The Bible demonstrates that following God is never easy but it is filled with blessings. God rid me of myself. Wash me white. Give me a heart that loves as you love. Let me truly see myself as the least of these, to give more then I receive. And to have a heart that finds contentment and joy in the name of Jesus.

So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. Today's trouble is enough for today.

matthew 6:34

Blessed are those who trust in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. They shall be like a tree planted by water, sending out its roots by the stream. It shall not fear when heat comes, and its leaves shall stay green; in the year of drought it is not anxious, and it does not cease to bear fruit.

Jeremiah 17:7-8

where did my cup go?

I don’t know where to start, I am not even certain how to describe what I feel or the state of my heart. There are moments when I am overwhelmed with joy and thankfulness, when my heart is so full I feel like my lifeblood is pouring out. I wake up with a lightness of heart and buoyant spirit that even the Corporate world can’t crush. Then there are the days when my heart feels so heavy and the world is so bleak that I swear I could stay cocooned in the fetal position for days on end letting time just pass by. These are the days that it hurts so much feel, to be human, to love, to grieve, and to be angry. Then I have days like today where I am so bipolar and feeling so much so intensely that I feel numb. I feel joy, anger, grief, compassion, guilt, betrayal, joy, thankful, blessed, hurt, faithless, and loved. It’s like million emotions are hitting me at once at I just start to shut down and stop feeling their raw intensity.

God is mysterious. I don’t like my job. It has kicked my butt, there are days I come home and swear that I can’t go into the office one more day. I can’t handle the pressure and responsibility I feel utterly defeated. Despite the bruises and sleepless nights and my strong dislike of the place this is where I am called to. I know that God placed me here. He has called me to struggle and hit rock bottom to build character and rely on His grace and identity. It’s like the scales fell from my eyes and I see myself as I was and as I am. God is making me a woman of integrity and character. Calling up several irate people and telling them “I am really sorry but I screwed up. This is completely my fault. I have fixed the issue but this one is on me and you have every right to be upset with me.” Is not something that comes natural to me. I do not confess my inadequacies and short comings- I am really good at excuses. Not only has it been a season of amazing personal growth but there is redemption. I have co-workers who are broken and I sincerely believe God placed me here to meet them. It’s a mixed emotion I hate my job yet I love that God is destroying me and building me and touching others lives in the process. He promised that the journey would be good not that it would be easy.

Work is a struggle. Besides work God is decimating and resupplying my relationships. I have lovely friends. They are beautiful not because of perfection but rather how they deal with their imperfection. I find them astonishingly lovely simply for their hearts. I find great joy in my friendships especially with the Godly women I am blessed to know. They are so important yet I fear I do not give them the cultivation and love that they deserve. Deep relationships are not easy for me. I am working on transparency and being completely honest. I am really good at superficial relationships and I am really good at listening to other peoples struggles and fears but I start to go into self-destruct mode when the tables are turned. I feel like Forrest Gump when he finally realizes he can run without the braces. He has gotten so used to them and functioning within their limitations that he never discovered the freedom and joy of running. At first it is awkward and perhaps slightly painful but throughout the rest of his story he runs. He runs because he knows what it is to not have that freedom. I feel like I am Forest Gump breaking though my braces. It is awkward and paiful. I haven’t fully adjusted to being vulnerable, open, and relational. But I have broken the braces enough to know that it is good, and that for the rest of my story I will be running because I know what it is to be crippled and confined.

These are the good relationships the ones that are keeping me sane. Then there are the ones that break my heart yet despite the heartache I can’t walk away from them. God has shattered my illusions with His truth and name. It’s crazy. If I talk to someone about God they are ok… they think that I might be a religious fanatic and they make a mental note not to get to involved or touch those issues. By and large however the conversation doesn’t really change. If I mention Jesus the situation goes one of two ways they are either a Christian or searching Christ and appear receptive to me. Or there is an immediate and tangible change in how they view me. It’s incredible how Jesus completely polarizes people. Just his name is spoken and it’s like lines are drawn in the sand and you must choose a side. The people that being polarized are some of the dearest of my heart. The Bible talks about leaving your father and mother, brothers and sisters to follow him- I never believed that it could be so literal. It makes me mad. The greatest opposition I have for my eternal salvation is also the people that I hold closest to my heart. It’s frightening to imagine heaven without them, but also equally terrifying is the schism that’s developed. I feel so many things about it pain, hurt, love, compassion, but I think mostly I just feel burdened and weary. I don’t even know if my heart is soft enough to feel gracious towards them, I want to but I don’t think I am there yet.

I praise God for my singleness. I am not called to celibacy and a conversation with a friend reminded me of my deep desire for marriage. However, I am thankful that God is growing me and breaking down all the unhealthy personality traits that would destroy a marriage.. He pulling the scales from my eyes, teaching me to be a woman of integrity, and preparing me to be a beautiful bride. Although I struggle with it I am certain that I will be a better mother and a better wife by dealing with these issues now and letting Jesus shape my heart and sand away the calluses. My heart longs for the day when the loneliness’ of singleness doesn’t haunt me yet rejoices at the amazing Grace and mercy being shown to me. I have to remind myself that Jesus is my rock, my salvation and the best lover of my soul. So for today I will cry for all the emotions I have felt so much in one day that I don't feel anything at all. God's mercies are new every morning he refills my cup.

Joyful solitude

Valentine's Day, a day when love and romance stagnate, I mean perfume the air. The origins of Valentine's Day are obscure, to be sure many believe that there was a Saint Valentine in which the holiday was inspired by. There are several theories about what this Saint Valentine did to earn an infamous day in History. Some believe that when the Roman Emperor Claudius II outlawed marriage for his soldiers- apparently bachelors make better soldiers- a priest by the name of Valentine continued to carry out marriages in secret. Some suggest that Valentine was a priest that helped Christian men escape the barbarism of Roman prisons. And still others postulate that wMy hile in prison Valentine fell in love with the prison keepers daugher. On the day before his death he sent her a letter with the salutation love your Valentine. Perhaps a more accurate hypothesis would be that February signaled the end of winter and the re-birth of the earth-spring. Mid-February the Roman ritual was to celebrate the Spring and usher in fertility by entering the cave where it was believe Remus and Romulus (founders of Rome) were raised by a she wolf. A goat would be sacrificed at the cave. Strips of its hide would be drenched in blood, a man would walk the streets of Rome hitting the women and crops with the bloody strips bringing fertility for the next year. Part of the tradition was for single women to put their names in a pot, a bachelor would reach in and pull out a name. That would be the woman he would spend a year with- often times this led to matrimony. It wasn't until the 1700's that Valentines as we know them became popular. Of course back then their weren't printed Valentines, Chocolate Roses, or heart shaped balloons. Rather people would make home-made Valentines for those they loved. It wasn't until about the 1850's that Valentine's cards became a mass market.

Which ever story of Valentine or reason behind his special day you chose to believe it has become a day of romance. To spend time with the people you love and visibly show them your affection. As a single person I had the best Valentine's Day ever today! Despite the flowers, balloons, chocolates, dinners etc that co-workers and roommates received. I was not the least bit jealous, not for one moment was I envious. I was joyful- absolutely filled with astonishing joy to see love poured out on others! I read posts and blogs about how much spouses treasured each other. How lovely to see peoples lives so intricately entwined.

I spent my evening toiling up a large ice hill in Duluth enjoying the breath taking beauty that we have graciously been given to enjoy! Praise God that he makes us complete. There is no chocolate so sweet as his amazing grace. No caress as tender or satisfying as his mercy poured out on the cross. No rose as beautiful as the wonder of his love. No relationship as deep or intimate as the lover of our souls. Praise God for the joy and hope that can be found in the folds of his righteous arms.

Being Real like fishsticks

Being a woman is tough. Being single is tough. Being a Christian is tough. They aren’t only tough but also terrifying. There are days that I am crippled by fear. When waking up, taking a shower and driving into work takes an active assertion of will. There are so many times when I want to give up, when the reward doesn’t seem worth the pain and struggle. There are days when I feel like an absolute failure in this life, at these times I think I recognize that I am not as I should be. This world is not as it should be. The lies of the enemy surround me, they paralyze me with fear. I’d like to think that I am brave enough, bold enough, and strong enough to look fear in it’s vacant face and walk forward resolute despite the trembling of my heart. A friend recently reminded me that I am not enough, and I was never meant to be enough. Often times I find myself wondering why I am afraid. How did I become such a coward. Life is scary, life is hard and tough. It is also astonishingly beautiful and joyful. I have spent years building a fortress around my heart driven by fear, guilt, shame, and self depreciation. In my depravity I was proud of my ability to shut the world out, to live in my fortress of gilded gold. A fortress gives the impression of majesty, wealth, security, and prominence. I realize now that I was not living in a fortress, I posse none of these things. I cower in the shadows of my own prison, frightened by my own heart. I am exhausted. I am tired self loathing, I am tired of hiding, I am tired of having fear as my constant companion, I am tired of believing half truths, I am tired of chasing illusions of happiness and satisfaction that turn out to be vapors. I am tired of letting my past define my future. I am tired of letting fear and my own will rule ( I mean ruin) my life.

Jesus came for the sick, for the wounded, and for the broken hearts. Jesus came for me. What freedom and what joy to be released from bondage. I have stepped from the shadows and can feel the sunlight gently kissing and warming my face. And I know that I have just a tiny glimpse, just one step out of the shadow. My lungs are filled with just one breathe of air. I have not yet tasted the fruit, have not yet stretched my legs and ran with the wind in my hair, I have not yet been cleansed-washed by the fountain of life. The fortress still stands strong, I have only removed the doorway. It’s difficult and congested, there are people looking in, pushing in and sometimes I am overwhelmed. I think there is no greater pain then being desolate. I fear pain, vulnerability, and loving someone who will break my heart. I don’t think those can compare, I can’t imagine they could trump the feeling of being completely alone surrounded by people. Growing up I was told that at some point it is more painful for a flower to stay closed up then it is to bloom. Perhaps that is where I am at, not only is it more painful for me to stay shut up then it is to bloom. But in keeping closed I am selfishly not sharing the beauty and gifts God has graciously given me.

An angel friend of mine revealed the truth to me in the only way that I can hear- clear and blunt. She called me a wreck, a mess. If you would have asked me two hours before the conversation I would have said, no I am fine. I have a few things to work on, but I am dealing with it and I am just fine. Never would I use wreck and mess to describe the state of my heart. Praise God for stubborn women who look past my attempt at superficiality. I am a mess. I have dynamite strapped to my back and timer that’s almost up, and she didn’t run. She didn’t flinch, and most of all she didn’t feel sorry for me. Truth is a double edged sword, it is incredibly freeing but also horribly painful. It requires action. It’s easy to enjoy your lavish meal with out starving children outside your door. It’s easy to justify expensive clothing when you don’t see a homeless person shivering with rags in the street. It’s easy to believe I’m fine when I don’t have to see myself as I am. When all the lies and excuses are stripped away and I see myself as I am. I mess of a woman saved by a might redeemer. Looking at how I am living my life I recognize that I profess these truths with my mouth but I don’t show faithfulness in my actions. If I truly believed that my identity was rooted in Christ I wouldn’t fear failing in this life. If I believed with all my heart that Jesus paid the penalty for my sin on the cross and that God forgives and looks upon me not on my own merit but on the righteousness of Jesus then I would not struggle with self condemnation. I would forgive myself knowing that Jesus was enough, that Jesus is greater then my sin and has wiped away my stains. My words profess faithfulness but how I see myself and how I have been living my life reflect a heart of faithlessness. Three words I need to wrestle with- Jesus is Enough.

Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I’m reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just wont let me forget

In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am


I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven

My mistakes are running through my mind
And I’ll relive my days, in the middle of the night
When I struggle with my pain, wrestle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry

In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am


When I don't fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ ‘cause

fear

I realized today what I fear most right now is myself. I fear that God will call me into leadership and that I will fail. I fear that I am not enough and at the same time I am too much. My hearts desire is to bless young people, to invest in them the way I longed to be invested in. I have no doubt that my life decisions would have been different with the council of a Godly woman. However, I know myself. I know my flaws, I know where I fall short, I know the depth of my depravity and I fear that it will cripple my ministry. I see their sweet and trusting faces. They look to me, they will look at the men I date, and they will witness the choices I make. This fills me with fear. I want so much to demonstrate what a single woman after God's heart does. How to date and be respected, how to make life decisions, and how to fight as a woman. I want to be so much more than I am. I pray that God uses me for His glory yet at the same time it terrifies me that he might actually use this broken mess. Some days I still feel lost- like I have no idea what I am doing or where I am going. I remind myself that God never calls the perfect or the worthy and if that are the qualifications He seeks (imperfection and unworthiness) well than I suppose I would be a perfect candidate. Praise God that in our weakness He is strong and that through His perfection we are made right.

heart balm

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for your welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and the places where I have driven you, declares the LORD, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.

Jeremiah 29:11-14

Oh what encouragement! God is Sovereign, He has a perfect plan, and He does not hide from those who seek Him. All I can say is uff da! These words were balm to my heart and soul this week as I watch people I dearly love and treasure suffer. In these moments I forget and need to be reminded that God is not surprised when diversity knocks at our door. He also does not abandon us in our moments of trial. Not only does God not hide his heart from us he works for our redemption. Praise God!