I don’t know where to start, I am not even certain how to describe what I feel or the state of my heart. There are moments when I am overwhelmed with joy and thankfulness, when my heart is so full I feel like my lifeblood is pouring out. I wake up with a lightness of heart and buoyant spirit that even the Corporate world can’t crush. Then there are the days when my heart feels so heavy and the world is so bleak that I swear I could stay cocooned in the fetal position for days on end letting time just pass by. These are the days that it hurts so much feel, to be human, to love, to grieve, and to be angry. Then I have days like today where I am so bipolar and feeling so much so intensely that I feel numb. I feel joy, anger, grief, compassion, guilt, betrayal, joy, thankful, blessed, hurt, faithless, and loved. It’s like million emotions are hitting me at once at I just start to shut down and stop feeling their raw intensity.
God is mysterious. I don’t like my job. It has kicked my butt, there are days I come home and swear that I can’t go into the office one more day. I can’t handle the pressure and responsibility I feel utterly defeated. Despite the bruises and sleepless nights and my strong dislike of the place this is where I am called to. I know that God placed me here. He has called me to struggle and hit rock bottom to build character and rely on His grace and identity. It’s like the scales fell from my eyes and I see myself as I was and as I am. God is making me a woman of integrity and character. Calling up several irate people and telling them “I am really sorry but I screwed up. This is completely my fault. I have fixed the issue but this one is on me and you have every right to be upset with me.” Is not something that comes natural to me. I do not confess my inadequacies and short comings- I am really good at excuses. Not only has it been a season of amazing personal growth but there is redemption. I have co-workers who are broken and I sincerely believe God placed me here to meet them. It’s a mixed emotion I hate my job yet I love that God is destroying me and building me and touching others lives in the process. He promised that the journey would be good not that it would be easy.
Work is a struggle. Besides work God is decimating and resupplying my relationships. I have lovely friends. They are beautiful not because of perfection but rather how they deal with their imperfection. I find them astonishingly lovely simply for their hearts. I find great joy in my friendships especially with the Godly women I am blessed to know. They are so important yet I fear I do not give them the cultivation and love that they deserve. Deep relationships are not easy for me. I am working on transparency and being completely honest. I am really good at superficial relationships and I am really good at listening to other peoples struggles and fears but I start to go into self-destruct mode when the tables are turned. I feel like Forrest Gump when he finally realizes he can run without the braces. He has gotten so used to them and functioning within their limitations that he never discovered the freedom and joy of running. At first it is awkward and perhaps slightly painful but throughout the rest of his story he runs. He runs because he knows what it is to not have that freedom. I feel like I am Forest Gump breaking though my braces. It is awkward and paiful. I haven’t fully adjusted to being vulnerable, open, and relational. But I have broken the braces enough to know that it is good, and that for the rest of my story I will be running because I know what it is to be crippled and confined.
These are the good relationships the ones that are keeping me sane. Then there are the ones that break my heart yet despite the heartache I can’t walk away from them. God has shattered my illusions with His truth and name. It’s crazy. If I talk to someone about God they are ok… they think that I might be a religious fanatic and they make a mental note not to get to involved or touch those issues. By and large however the conversation doesn’t really change. If I mention Jesus the situation goes one of two ways they are either a Christian or searching Christ and appear receptive to me. Or there is an immediate and tangible change in how they view me. It’s incredible how Jesus completely polarizes people. Just his name is spoken and it’s like lines are drawn in the sand and you must choose a side. The people that being polarized are some of the dearest of my heart. The Bible talks about leaving your father and mother, brothers and sisters to follow him- I never believed that it could be so literal. It makes me mad. The greatest opposition I have for my eternal salvation is also the people that I hold closest to my heart. It’s frightening to imagine heaven without them, but also equally terrifying is the schism that’s developed. I feel so many things about it pain, hurt, love, compassion, but I think mostly I just feel burdened and weary. I don’t even know if my heart is soft enough to feel gracious towards them, I want to but I don’t think I am there yet.
I praise God for my singleness. I am not called to celibacy and a conversation with a friend reminded me of my deep desire for marriage. However, I am thankful that God is growing me and breaking down all the unhealthy personality traits that would destroy a marriage.. He pulling the scales from my eyes, teaching me to be a woman of integrity, and preparing me to be a beautiful bride. Although I struggle with it I am certain that I will be a better mother and a better wife by dealing with these issues now and letting Jesus shape my heart and sand away the calluses. My heart longs for the day when the loneliness’ of singleness doesn’t haunt me yet rejoices at the amazing Grace and mercy being shown to me. I have to remind myself that Jesus is my rock, my salvation and the best lover of my soul. So for today I will cry for all the emotions I have felt so much in one day that I don't feel anything at all. God's mercies are new every morning he refills my cup.
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