fear

I realized today what I fear most right now is myself. I fear that God will call me into leadership and that I will fail. I fear that I am not enough and at the same time I am too much. My hearts desire is to bless young people, to invest in them the way I longed to be invested in. I have no doubt that my life decisions would have been different with the council of a Godly woman. However, I know myself. I know my flaws, I know where I fall short, I know the depth of my depravity and I fear that it will cripple my ministry. I see their sweet and trusting faces. They look to me, they will look at the men I date, and they will witness the choices I make. This fills me with fear. I want so much to demonstrate what a single woman after God's heart does. How to date and be respected, how to make life decisions, and how to fight as a woman. I want to be so much more than I am. I pray that God uses me for His glory yet at the same time it terrifies me that he might actually use this broken mess. Some days I still feel lost- like I have no idea what I am doing or where I am going. I remind myself that God never calls the perfect or the worthy and if that are the qualifications He seeks (imperfection and unworthiness) well than I suppose I would be a perfect candidate. Praise God that in our weakness He is strong and that through His perfection we are made right.

heart balm

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for your welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and the places where I have driven you, declares the LORD, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.

Jeremiah 29:11-14

Oh what encouragement! God is Sovereign, He has a perfect plan, and He does not hide from those who seek Him. All I can say is uff da! These words were balm to my heart and soul this week as I watch people I dearly love and treasure suffer. In these moments I forget and need to be reminded that God is not surprised when diversity knocks at our door. He also does not abandon us in our moments of trial. Not only does God not hide his heart from us he works for our redemption. Praise God!

A beautiful sunrise

It’s funny how time flies. One day I went to bed an adolescent and somehow wake up an adult without ever recognizing when the change took place. The actual moment in time when the transition happens when suddenly I was no longer the same person. Although the precise moment is lost the journey most definitely is not. I remember sitting in eight grade study hall thinking to myself this is such a waste of time I can’t wait until I am in College, when I have a job, when I can start having an impact. It seems that we are always wishing we were one step ahead of ourselves, or maybe that’s just me. Perhaps the cliché the grass is always greener on the other side fits. When I was young I couldn’t wait to grow up- dreaming of a brilliant and shiny future confidant of all the greatness I would become and accomplish. Somehow I became an adult- now I look at children and marvel at how they process information, how they see the world. I hope and dream of their bright and shiny futures all the while regretting that I lost mine. Not that it is lost entirely but it’s not as bright and shiny as it used to be. Responsibility and the reality of life experience has tattered the edges and the color is beginning to fade.

My journey was a blur of poor choices and busy days. I have made many decisions that weren’t advisable on my road to maturity, too many to recall. Hindsight is 20/20. As I look back I recognize the moments were I completely botched it, where I hit so far off the mark that I am not sure what I was aiming for. Despite the heartache and tears I would never change the road I have taken on this joyous adventure of life. The moments when I was the most broken were when I learned that I would survive and found a Savior. I found the courage to walk away from my treasure, to love deeply but love myself more. I felt an array and depth of emotion that I didn’t think was possible to feel- in it I found my strength. I am a strong, beautiful bride of Christ- and all my experiences made me the servant I am today. If I could do it differently I wouldn’t change a thing. I wouldn’t trade one tear, one heartbreak, or one giggle fit. Sometimes you have to journey through the darkness to appreciate the splendor of a sunrise.

This being a woman is tough business

It is tough being a woman. I often find myself wondering why God chose to make me one. What purpose I fulfill better in this role than I ever could as a man. Being a woman is tough, being a Godly woman is harder yet. As I write I wonder to myself what does that mean- what is the constitution of a Godly woman. I think about women I know and love who have a deep passion to live their lives for Jesus.

I see a beautiful woman with long blond hair and red lip stick framing a genuine smile. Her words are kind- the sincerity of them palpable. I see a wonderful woman who finds strength and healing at the master’s feet. The depth of her heartache I can not know. I am aware it is there, I recognize it's potenancy. I can not pretend to know how raising a disabled child pulls at a mothers heart strings. She is blessed by a daughter that transforms lives by simply being although that transformation comes with the price of thousands of tears. Tears of joy, pain, loss, disappointmnet, and grace. I look at her and I am blinded by Godly beauty. She is marked by her grace.Though I do not know the depth of her heartache I witness the depth of her kindness and joy.

Another treasure God has blessed me with friendship lives in unending- blessed chaos. It is impossible to have a conversation with her in a normal tone. A few sentences spill out interrupted by one of her ten children- "mom I'm hungry", "mom can I wear these clothes", "I have to go potty"... etc. She is constantly surrounded by a swarm of beautiful blessings. She is vibrant, full of life. If you sat for an hour with this lovely woman you would not know the extent of her trials but you would discover the depth of her faith. One may not know in the last year her husbands business (their only source of income to support 12) is crumbling or that two of her children flirted with death. Despite having twelve mouths to feed and an uncertain financial future her husband is planting a church for the Glory of God. One needs only spend a few minutes with her and her lovely family to witness the hand of God- to recognize He is still in the business of performing miracles.

It is tough being a woman. I wonder how I would look to another in their circumstances. Would I reflect grace when faced with the strain of caring for a mentally and physically disabled child? Would I have the vision to see her as a bountiful blessing rather than an inconvenience? Would I demonstrate faith and joy when despair would seem more appropriate? What would I say to God in the quiet places of my heart as I watched my children writhe in pain and waste away?

I know what the face of Godly women look like. I am fortunate to admire them, to know them, and to be a part of their craziness. Following Jesus is not easy, being a woman is tough. I wonder what my life will bring. What challenges will block my path. Will I have the courage and conviction to walk upright before the eyes of men as I hit my knees before the throne. Will I when tried by fire become more pure through the flames- an encouragement to other women who will soon know the same heat. Or will I instead falter- fail to demonstrate the power and sanctity of God. Will I show others what it is to be a woman after Gods heart or will I show them what it is to have a heart for wordly things.

I wonder about Queen Esther saving her people from certain death. She was forced to beautify herself for 12 months and once presented to the King she had no choice but to marry him. She was a woman of God, ordained to marry a King in order to save her people. I wonder what she looked like, how she spoke, what she thought. I wonder how she felt being paraded around in a beauty contest to win the Kings favor. What she thought kneeling before he husband begging for her life and those of her people. It is tough being a woman- fighting in such a manner that it would seem we aren't fighting at all.

A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.

Her husband has full confidence in her

she brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.

and lacks nothing of value.
she selects wool and flax and works with eager hands.
She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still dark;she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.
She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.
When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet.
She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple.
Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.
She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
"Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all."
Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

How many times I have read this passage, mediated over the implications I can not say. A woman like that is a tall order, a rare order. It is tough being a woman.

Forever Author of Salvation

My Savior He can move the mountains, my God is might to save, He is mighty to save. Forever, author of salvation, He conquered the grave. Jesus conquered the grave.

How many times have I heard those lyrics, how often have I sung them, how frequently have I hummed the melody without understanding the meaning at a heart level. My Jesus- my Savior can move the mountains and He is mighty to save-the author of salvation. PRAISE GOD!! The lyrics are not Megan can move the mountains. Or Megan is mighty to save. Megan is not the author of salvation and by my own power I can not conquer the grave. Oh freedom!

How many times have we faced seeming insurmountable circumstances and fought the waves of doubt at our inadequacy and inabilities. On countless occasions as I have shared the Gospel or felt compelled to reach out to others I have felt the pressure of the Kingdom- the knowledge that I am working for the King and his Glory. I felt the pressure and feared that if I failed to convince them of the Truth of God's redemption that I would be failing God. Praise God that it's not up to me, that the furthering of God's Kingdom and the full reflection of his Glory is not upon me! God- not Megan is mighty save! God- not Megan moves mountains and changes hearts.

Not only is God's Glory not upon me by my own actions but all blessings come from God because Jesus conquered the grave. There is nothing I can do to earn my own armor of righteousness but through Jesus' goodness and mighty love I am redeemed. He is the Author of creation, he choose me and made me in His image. PRAISE GOD HE IS MIGHTY TO SAVE!!!

I can hear my shackles rattle as they hit the hard floor. The fresh air hits my raw skin, it stings a bit initially but wounds heal and the scars will remind me. Freedom. I can run without the chains, without dead weight binding me down- impeding my progress and reminding me of inadequacy. Praise God that I've been set free that through Grace and Mercy I can run as my Author intended.