fear

I realized today what I fear most right now is myself. I fear that God will call me into leadership and that I will fail. I fear that I am not enough and at the same time I am too much. My hearts desire is to bless young people, to invest in them the way I longed to be invested in. I have no doubt that my life decisions would have been different with the council of a Godly woman. However, I know myself. I know my flaws, I know where I fall short, I know the depth of my depravity and I fear that it will cripple my ministry. I see their sweet and trusting faces. They look to me, they will look at the men I date, and they will witness the choices I make. This fills me with fear. I want so much to demonstrate what a single woman after God's heart does. How to date and be respected, how to make life decisions, and how to fight as a woman. I want to be so much more than I am. I pray that God uses me for His glory yet at the same time it terrifies me that he might actually use this broken mess. Some days I still feel lost- like I have no idea what I am doing or where I am going. I remind myself that God never calls the perfect or the worthy and if that are the qualifications He seeks (imperfection and unworthiness) well than I suppose I would be a perfect candidate. Praise God that in our weakness He is strong and that through His perfection we are made right.

heart balm

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for your welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD, and I will restore your fortunes and gather you from all the nations and the places where I have driven you, declares the LORD, and I will bring you back to the place from which I sent you into exile.

Jeremiah 29:11-14

Oh what encouragement! God is Sovereign, He has a perfect plan, and He does not hide from those who seek Him. All I can say is uff da! These words were balm to my heart and soul this week as I watch people I dearly love and treasure suffer. In these moments I forget and need to be reminded that God is not surprised when diversity knocks at our door. He also does not abandon us in our moments of trial. Not only does God not hide his heart from us he works for our redemption. Praise God!