where did my cup go?

I don’t know where to start, I am not even certain how to describe what I feel or the state of my heart. There are moments when I am overwhelmed with joy and thankfulness, when my heart is so full I feel like my lifeblood is pouring out. I wake up with a lightness of heart and buoyant spirit that even the Corporate world can’t crush. Then there are the days when my heart feels so heavy and the world is so bleak that I swear I could stay cocooned in the fetal position for days on end letting time just pass by. These are the days that it hurts so much feel, to be human, to love, to grieve, and to be angry. Then I have days like today where I am so bipolar and feeling so much so intensely that I feel numb. I feel joy, anger, grief, compassion, guilt, betrayal, joy, thankful, blessed, hurt, faithless, and loved. It’s like million emotions are hitting me at once at I just start to shut down and stop feeling their raw intensity.

God is mysterious. I don’t like my job. It has kicked my butt, there are days I come home and swear that I can’t go into the office one more day. I can’t handle the pressure and responsibility I feel utterly defeated. Despite the bruises and sleepless nights and my strong dislike of the place this is where I am called to. I know that God placed me here. He has called me to struggle and hit rock bottom to build character and rely on His grace and identity. It’s like the scales fell from my eyes and I see myself as I was and as I am. God is making me a woman of integrity and character. Calling up several irate people and telling them “I am really sorry but I screwed up. This is completely my fault. I have fixed the issue but this one is on me and you have every right to be upset with me.” Is not something that comes natural to me. I do not confess my inadequacies and short comings- I am really good at excuses. Not only has it been a season of amazing personal growth but there is redemption. I have co-workers who are broken and I sincerely believe God placed me here to meet them. It’s a mixed emotion I hate my job yet I love that God is destroying me and building me and touching others lives in the process. He promised that the journey would be good not that it would be easy.

Work is a struggle. Besides work God is decimating and resupplying my relationships. I have lovely friends. They are beautiful not because of perfection but rather how they deal with their imperfection. I find them astonishingly lovely simply for their hearts. I find great joy in my friendships especially with the Godly women I am blessed to know. They are so important yet I fear I do not give them the cultivation and love that they deserve. Deep relationships are not easy for me. I am working on transparency and being completely honest. I am really good at superficial relationships and I am really good at listening to other peoples struggles and fears but I start to go into self-destruct mode when the tables are turned. I feel like Forrest Gump when he finally realizes he can run without the braces. He has gotten so used to them and functioning within their limitations that he never discovered the freedom and joy of running. At first it is awkward and perhaps slightly painful but throughout the rest of his story he runs. He runs because he knows what it is to not have that freedom. I feel like I am Forest Gump breaking though my braces. It is awkward and paiful. I haven’t fully adjusted to being vulnerable, open, and relational. But I have broken the braces enough to know that it is good, and that for the rest of my story I will be running because I know what it is to be crippled and confined.

These are the good relationships the ones that are keeping me sane. Then there are the ones that break my heart yet despite the heartache I can’t walk away from them. God has shattered my illusions with His truth and name. It’s crazy. If I talk to someone about God they are ok… they think that I might be a religious fanatic and they make a mental note not to get to involved or touch those issues. By and large however the conversation doesn’t really change. If I mention Jesus the situation goes one of two ways they are either a Christian or searching Christ and appear receptive to me. Or there is an immediate and tangible change in how they view me. It’s incredible how Jesus completely polarizes people. Just his name is spoken and it’s like lines are drawn in the sand and you must choose a side. The people that being polarized are some of the dearest of my heart. The Bible talks about leaving your father and mother, brothers and sisters to follow him- I never believed that it could be so literal. It makes me mad. The greatest opposition I have for my eternal salvation is also the people that I hold closest to my heart. It’s frightening to imagine heaven without them, but also equally terrifying is the schism that’s developed. I feel so many things about it pain, hurt, love, compassion, but I think mostly I just feel burdened and weary. I don’t even know if my heart is soft enough to feel gracious towards them, I want to but I don’t think I am there yet.

I praise God for my singleness. I am not called to celibacy and a conversation with a friend reminded me of my deep desire for marriage. However, I am thankful that God is growing me and breaking down all the unhealthy personality traits that would destroy a marriage.. He pulling the scales from my eyes, teaching me to be a woman of integrity, and preparing me to be a beautiful bride. Although I struggle with it I am certain that I will be a better mother and a better wife by dealing with these issues now and letting Jesus shape my heart and sand away the calluses. My heart longs for the day when the loneliness’ of singleness doesn’t haunt me yet rejoices at the amazing Grace and mercy being shown to me. I have to remind myself that Jesus is my rock, my salvation and the best lover of my soul. So for today I will cry for all the emotions I have felt so much in one day that I don't feel anything at all. God's mercies are new every morning he refills my cup.

Joyful solitude

Valentine's Day, a day when love and romance stagnate, I mean perfume the air. The origins of Valentine's Day are obscure, to be sure many believe that there was a Saint Valentine in which the holiday was inspired by. There are several theories about what this Saint Valentine did to earn an infamous day in History. Some believe that when the Roman Emperor Claudius II outlawed marriage for his soldiers- apparently bachelors make better soldiers- a priest by the name of Valentine continued to carry out marriages in secret. Some suggest that Valentine was a priest that helped Christian men escape the barbarism of Roman prisons. And still others postulate that wMy hile in prison Valentine fell in love with the prison keepers daugher. On the day before his death he sent her a letter with the salutation love your Valentine. Perhaps a more accurate hypothesis would be that February signaled the end of winter and the re-birth of the earth-spring. Mid-February the Roman ritual was to celebrate the Spring and usher in fertility by entering the cave where it was believe Remus and Romulus (founders of Rome) were raised by a she wolf. A goat would be sacrificed at the cave. Strips of its hide would be drenched in blood, a man would walk the streets of Rome hitting the women and crops with the bloody strips bringing fertility for the next year. Part of the tradition was for single women to put their names in a pot, a bachelor would reach in and pull out a name. That would be the woman he would spend a year with- often times this led to matrimony. It wasn't until the 1700's that Valentines as we know them became popular. Of course back then their weren't printed Valentines, Chocolate Roses, or heart shaped balloons. Rather people would make home-made Valentines for those they loved. It wasn't until about the 1850's that Valentine's cards became a mass market.

Which ever story of Valentine or reason behind his special day you chose to believe it has become a day of romance. To spend time with the people you love and visibly show them your affection. As a single person I had the best Valentine's Day ever today! Despite the flowers, balloons, chocolates, dinners etc that co-workers and roommates received. I was not the least bit jealous, not for one moment was I envious. I was joyful- absolutely filled with astonishing joy to see love poured out on others! I read posts and blogs about how much spouses treasured each other. How lovely to see peoples lives so intricately entwined.

I spent my evening toiling up a large ice hill in Duluth enjoying the breath taking beauty that we have graciously been given to enjoy! Praise God that he makes us complete. There is no chocolate so sweet as his amazing grace. No caress as tender or satisfying as his mercy poured out on the cross. No rose as beautiful as the wonder of his love. No relationship as deep or intimate as the lover of our souls. Praise God for the joy and hope that can be found in the folds of his righteous arms.

Being Real like fishsticks

Being a woman is tough. Being single is tough. Being a Christian is tough. They aren’t only tough but also terrifying. There are days that I am crippled by fear. When waking up, taking a shower and driving into work takes an active assertion of will. There are so many times when I want to give up, when the reward doesn’t seem worth the pain and struggle. There are days when I feel like an absolute failure in this life, at these times I think I recognize that I am not as I should be. This world is not as it should be. The lies of the enemy surround me, they paralyze me with fear. I’d like to think that I am brave enough, bold enough, and strong enough to look fear in it’s vacant face and walk forward resolute despite the trembling of my heart. A friend recently reminded me that I am not enough, and I was never meant to be enough. Often times I find myself wondering why I am afraid. How did I become such a coward. Life is scary, life is hard and tough. It is also astonishingly beautiful and joyful. I have spent years building a fortress around my heart driven by fear, guilt, shame, and self depreciation. In my depravity I was proud of my ability to shut the world out, to live in my fortress of gilded gold. A fortress gives the impression of majesty, wealth, security, and prominence. I realize now that I was not living in a fortress, I posse none of these things. I cower in the shadows of my own prison, frightened by my own heart. I am exhausted. I am tired self loathing, I am tired of hiding, I am tired of having fear as my constant companion, I am tired of believing half truths, I am tired of chasing illusions of happiness and satisfaction that turn out to be vapors. I am tired of letting my past define my future. I am tired of letting fear and my own will rule ( I mean ruin) my life.

Jesus came for the sick, for the wounded, and for the broken hearts. Jesus came for me. What freedom and what joy to be released from bondage. I have stepped from the shadows and can feel the sunlight gently kissing and warming my face. And I know that I have just a tiny glimpse, just one step out of the shadow. My lungs are filled with just one breathe of air. I have not yet tasted the fruit, have not yet stretched my legs and ran with the wind in my hair, I have not yet been cleansed-washed by the fountain of life. The fortress still stands strong, I have only removed the doorway. It’s difficult and congested, there are people looking in, pushing in and sometimes I am overwhelmed. I think there is no greater pain then being desolate. I fear pain, vulnerability, and loving someone who will break my heart. I don’t think those can compare, I can’t imagine they could trump the feeling of being completely alone surrounded by people. Growing up I was told that at some point it is more painful for a flower to stay closed up then it is to bloom. Perhaps that is where I am at, not only is it more painful for me to stay shut up then it is to bloom. But in keeping closed I am selfishly not sharing the beauty and gifts God has graciously given me.

An angel friend of mine revealed the truth to me in the only way that I can hear- clear and blunt. She called me a wreck, a mess. If you would have asked me two hours before the conversation I would have said, no I am fine. I have a few things to work on, but I am dealing with it and I am just fine. Never would I use wreck and mess to describe the state of my heart. Praise God for stubborn women who look past my attempt at superficiality. I am a mess. I have dynamite strapped to my back and timer that’s almost up, and she didn’t run. She didn’t flinch, and most of all she didn’t feel sorry for me. Truth is a double edged sword, it is incredibly freeing but also horribly painful. It requires action. It’s easy to enjoy your lavish meal with out starving children outside your door. It’s easy to justify expensive clothing when you don’t see a homeless person shivering with rags in the street. It’s easy to believe I’m fine when I don’t have to see myself as I am. When all the lies and excuses are stripped away and I see myself as I am. I mess of a woman saved by a might redeemer. Looking at how I am living my life I recognize that I profess these truths with my mouth but I don’t show faithfulness in my actions. If I truly believed that my identity was rooted in Christ I wouldn’t fear failing in this life. If I believed with all my heart that Jesus paid the penalty for my sin on the cross and that God forgives and looks upon me not on my own merit but on the righteousness of Jesus then I would not struggle with self condemnation. I would forgive myself knowing that Jesus was enough, that Jesus is greater then my sin and has wiped away my stains. My words profess faithfulness but how I see myself and how I have been living my life reflect a heart of faithlessness. Three words I need to wrestle with- Jesus is Enough.

Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I’m reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just wont let me forget

In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am


I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven

My mistakes are running through my mind
And I’ll relive my days, in the middle of the night
When I struggle with my pain, wrestle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry

In this life
I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am


When I don't fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ ‘cause