Like a dear friend of mine I am discontent with life. I long for more. Yet the more I long the less satisfying the here and now is and the more painful it becomes to carry out the daily routine. I am confused and unsure at a new cross road in life. All my life I have never thought twice about marriage. I never longed for a husband and family- it was merely on the list. A box that I could check with deference. Marriage was something that needy and vulnerable women sought after with ferocious passion. Strong women, independent women would never be so whole heartily devoted to such an undignified a title as a mother and wife. Marriage and family was a ball you juggled striving to focus on it while juggling everything else. I had no doubt that I possessed the potential to be and do anything that I should set my mind to. The world was all doors and all opportunities.
Then I encountered Christ. I began to recognize my selfishness and call it for what it was. I remember sitting, listening to Pastor Kyle talk about woman submitting to their husbands, respecting them and loving them enough to follow in trust. My skin bristled. Every aspect of my body fought for control. I signed up for Christ… this other submission crap was not in the contract. I was determined that I was not going to give away my independence or strength. I guess I never realized that I already had when I subjected myself to Christ. Or that it truly takes more strength and courage to love, trust, and follow a man. Jesus revealed the larger heart issues and struggles that I have had with men in the past. As I move forward in that healing allowing all my wounds to be exposed I find myself wanting the one thing I swore I never would.
I am left in a state of confusion. War really. The war between the old Megan and old ideals against the new Megan. There is a constant fight in my heart. The old Megan rising up claiming independence and scorning the new Megan for admitting a longing a need as it is a sign of weakness- not to mention that I am taking on the characteristics I once thought laughable. Old Megan wants to pursue a career and live in a self imprisonment of depressing solitude. The new Megan screams and shouts the truth and calls old Megan a scandalous liar and wickedly deceptive. Sometimes their voices blend together so harmoniously I can't tell which speaks truth. I struggle to lose the identity of who I was in who I am. I have so much I want to do and want to say only the voice I keep hearing is patience child. Trust in me. Know that I am wise and good. Which releases conflicted emotion. I want to snub Jesus. I want to say I am tired of waiting. I find myself convinced that He is withholding bountiful fruit from me, giving me the bruised fruit off the ground instead. (Read the Song of Solomon and tell me that any single Christian isn't thinking when do I get that) Even as I articulate these thoughts I know them to be lies. I know that I must rest in His peace and rework my identity so that it is completely centered on my King.
Then I worry. What if I never get married, what if I'm not desirable or lovable. What if I really am called to take this journey without a co-pilot in the cockpit- well then I certainly don't want to be caught waiting around for a non existent being. If I was honest with myself for a moment I would concede that I probably wouldn't recognize Mr.Right if he asked me to marry him. My likely excuse would be he is to perfect. Or because I am terrible at the dating game it won't even cross my mind that perhaps he is interested in more then friendship. Maybe he could just show up at my doorstep with a wedding band and a flashing neon sign that reads Han Solo ( I know this is a stretch since I lack the grace to be Leigha but it's my blog)
I am in a job I hate with a degree that without additional education is basically useless. I struggle thinking I want more, I want different. However, I know the true desire of my heart is to have a family and husband. I want to be a stay at home mom. Financially this won’t be possible if I keep going to school burning funds just to fill a void in my heart that no amount of education can fill. When I get right down to the bottom of it I suppose that my job isn't half bad. It's my attitude that really stinks. If I wake up expecting to have a bad day and dislike my work well then any situation I encounter is going to be tainted with pessimism before it even begins. Yes, I need an attitude adjustment. Jesus called me to work in a place with broken people that I love. It is selfish to walk away because I simply don't find it convenient. It's terribly disobedient to boot.
How selfish I have been. Longing with all my heart for something that Jesus is saying not yet to. Instead of focusing on what he has for me today and where he has placed me. I keep looking to the future looking for what he may or may not have for me. My contentment and peace must come from the Lord. He promises good to those who claim him. I have to remind myself that the promise is joyful. The Bible demonstrates that following God is never easy but it is filled with blessings. God rid me of myself. Wash me white. Give me a heart that loves as you love. Let me truly see myself as the least of these, to give more then I receive. And to have a heart that finds contentment and joy in the name of Jesus.
So do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring worries of its own. Today's trouble is enough for today.
matthew 6:34
Blessed are those who trust in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. They shall be like a tree planted by water, sending out its roots by the stream. It shall not fear when heat comes, and its leaves shall stay green; in the year of drought it is not anxious, and it does not cease to bear fruit.
Jeremiah 17:7-8
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